Too Long; Didn't Read:
- I've slipped back into depression which is affecting me mentally and physically.
- Due to an event a few weeks ago, I've lost a great sense of self, or rather, the only piece of consistency and control I thought I had left and it's only worsened my mental state.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of reasons, but... I'm just sorry.
✦ Below is a.. longer version of what the TL;DR says; an attempt to explain what's happening or what's been happening with me. None of you are obligated to read what's below. Though I would appreciate it in some way, I ultimately would advise against reading it. This is because I realize that there is a possible negative affect of hearing someone else's struggles when one is struggling themselves.
. . ♦ ♣ ♥ ♠ . .
Trying to help or understand someone is important, yes, but in the end, one should always take care of themselves first. Again, no one is obligated to read what is below.
A Quick Note/Warning(???): Down below is 1,277 words. That's a little over a page an a half, whoops. Anyway- Are you ready? Okay, Get Ready, Get Set, Go-
Hello everyone, Ringmaster here, with an unexpected (but overdue) news update.
It's... been a bit since I've made any (art related) activity here, my last update was at the end of the first week of Art Fight and I remember being so pumped and creating art as well as having so many ideas for art pieces. I even had bookmarks of characters I was going to draw with descriptions of the art piece concept. It was... actually really great. I hadn't actually been that motivated for art in a while, hm. .
And then, all too suddenly my motivation crashed and I more or less stopped drawing. At first I had thought it would only last a couple of days because I had possibly used all my spoons at the time on doing three completed drawings in this miraculous all nighter, but then days turn to weeks and before I knew it a month and a half had passed. 'Where did the time go?'
When I asked myself that I couldn't even answer that myself. That's when I knew I had a problem.
A few things have happened since then, only really a few, but it.. hasn't help my depression and I can definitely tell that I'm getting worse as the days pass by.
I've been stress eating and having irregular sleeping patterns which comes in the form of sleeping too little or sleeping too much; either way, I'm always tired. In addition to that I've not been leaving the house unless it's to get food for stress eating or I absolutely
have to. Hell, I've even stopped going to therapy. . . In all honesty, I've been staying in my house at days at a time and very rarely speaking out loud or interacting with people for long times which has resulted in me getting dizzy if I talk for too long as well as.. other things.
The most recent thing though is that I've... noticed that I can't even pretend to love myself through my characters/that I never did in the first place and the realization has taken a hit to my mental health. It's... kind of hard to talk about, but my characters have always been important to me, especially a certain group of them. This particular group of them have been with me for years
, probably a good six, maybe even seven years. It's... It's been a long time, literally a third of my life if looked at, so you can probably imagine how much they mean to me. They were always my favorites, especially the leader of that group, who I've adored with a passion for years.
However, though... speaking about all of them for some time, it was.. somewhat.. brought to light that the relationship between them and my self insert was not.. good. It was Toxic, Abusive even. And, yes, it seems silly to be upset over this, but this is so important to me. It's so important to me that the fact that these characters, the one's that I tried to built up for nearly a third of my life, for purposes of self-love and self-care in someway... don't... even care about me. The fact that I can't even pretend
to love myself. And, one would think, that it would just be easy to change the dynamic between the characters, but I legitimately cannot imagine it another way. Changing anything about it makes it feel like it won't work or click anymore, and the only other option I can think of is to remove them from my main story.
So now everything story wise feels broken. I keep looking at my incomplete story that I've been building for so long
and it's all breaking apart. I don't... really even like thinking about my self-insert as much now and I find myself thinking that they're bad in some way. Maybe even boring, perhaps? Regardless, I'm starting to hate them and any versions/AUs of them.. and, as a result, starting to hate myself. And really, that was it. That was the last thing that felt consistent in my life in some way.
I.. could go into more detail about this, but I'm desperately trying not to. So.. basically in short, my depression worsened upon these realizations and thoughts. And though, I am trying very to hard think of new things with my self-insert, some sad last ditch effort to fix a sinking ship, I can't help but feel very lost. To feel like I've lost my sense of self as well as some of what could be assumed my comfort characters. Time is slipping by and escaping me so fast and I've been taking what feels like a back seat in my own life.
And Of Course, Yes, I Am Not my self-insert. Yes, these characters are Not Real People and I should not let all of this affect me the way it is. But that's it. My stories and characters, though maybe not the most positive way of going about things, was my strongest coping mechanism. And though it's still functioning in some sense, it is heavily malfunctioning and it's effecting me negatively.
I can't bring myself to draw or write. I desperately been wanting to do art and write character profiles, I've been saying that I want to do this and that everyday, but in the end I find myself staring at the screen, interacting with whoever it is that contacts me and then by it being five in the morning and up, seeing that I've done nothing. (As a matter of fact, this is, without a doubt, the most writing I've done in one sitting in about three months, possibly longer.) Being awake feels almost like a nightmare unless I have the company of online or irl friend (and sometime even with it) and it's either hard to sleep or too hard to stay awake long enough to be considered apart of a day.
I desperately want to get away and go off somewhere, even if it's for a day, even if it was just a train ride to the city, but with my current money situation and with pressures to get a job with a deadline coming up very very
soon, all thoughts of relaxing have been thrown out the window.
And... I know I said it before, but... I really do want to draw and write again. It's been like this for so long and I've wanted to go back to the times where I drew and wrote all the time. I miss those times. I really miss them.
I want to be more active, I want to post drawings on here and FA, my stories on A03, and actually speak on my tumblr and twitter. I really do, I really really
do but I just... can't push myself into doing it. Hell, sometimes I can't even push myself out of bed. Sometimes I can't even shower. This is ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous. This depression is ridiculous. My broken heart is ridiculous. Everything is so goddamn ridiculous. I'm so... God, I'm just so tired.
... But, yeah. That's pretty much all of it, I.. I think it is, anyway. I would like to say something like 'I'll be back soon, no worries!'
but from the way things have been going, I don't think I'll really be back for a while. Probably just more... ghosting if anything to buy adoptables or something...
Though, in thought, perhaps me writing this journal is a sign of some type of recovery, possibly signalling my comeback...? Hm. Unlikely
, but... it.. it would be nice
to believe in that thought, wouldn't it.